A letter to the love of my life

It has been 11 years…
11 years since that fateful night, the night your heart stopped beating, the night you said adios to brain tumour and all the pain associated with it

I may not have learnt of your death soon enough, but I felt it..I remember feeling sick, extremely tired and weak..something was amiss.

When I finally got the news, time literally stopped, my whole body ached, a myriad of thoughts crossed my mind…How was I supposed to go on with a life without my best friend? The only man I ever loved, my one true love…

People find words to describe their pain; excruciating labor, crippling backache, griping stomachache, agonising toothache… I haven’t found words to describe the pain I felt on the afternoon of 23rd September 2004. I don’t know how I survived the day, the weeks, months and the years after.

Every day I asked God why? Why did he let you suffer when He had plans to take you away anyway… Why did He let us go through the pain of watching you deteriorate, physically and emotionally, then take you away?

It pained me Papa,
That mama had to go through two years of emotional torture taking care of the love of her life, the father of her kids and later had to deal with bringing up six kids on her own in a world so cruel.

It pained me,
That every time I achieved something I had to keep it to myself, coz nothing made sense anymore. It was you I wanted to share all my happiness with.

It pained me,
That little Beaty had to grow up without a daddy. She missed a lot…and it kills me

It pains me,
That you have 4 grandchildren…. Yes papa, 4 little angels who have no idea how amazingly beautiful their grandpa was.

So much have changed papa. The past 12 years haven’t been smooth but you’ll be happy to know that we are all okay. Mama has gained a bit of weight, finally. It took a while. Betty is all grown now, she wants to be an engineer…I want her to be an accountant. Math is not her strong suit, so I might have to do more than just changing her mind. Remember when I was six or maybe seven, I told you I wanted to have a cooler title…not a Miss or Mrs. Well, I’m working on that and if things go my way, I might just skip the ‘Mrs’ title…ha!

A few things haven’t changed though, I still hate house chores and everyone has given up on me on the matter. I cry some times and I don’t know how long this is gonna go. Maybe when I stop missing you, but thats never gonna happen. I just can’t stop missing you…

I have gone through a lot of pain, failed to see the meaning of life at some point….missing you has put me through so much indeed. But guess what? One little positive thing came out of this; I have learnt to stand on my own, and the satisfaction is amazing.

I miss you every time I open my purse and see your picture, I miss you every time I go to church and realise that the man in the robe isn’t you, I miss you every time I fall ill, I miss you every time I call home and can’t ask mum to pass the phone over to you, I miss you with every beat of my heart….I miss you more tonight

Every time I close my eyes and whisper ‘I love you’ I hope you are listening….coz I’m gonna go on and on…until I get to hug you again Papa, until I get to kiss you, until I get to hold your hands..and when that time comes, I won’t let go.

I hope grandma is taking good care of you, I asked her to when she left. I promise to take care of mama and B for you… the only responsibility that keeps me going.

I love you. Will always do

Rest well love